Tis the season to be jolly.....yay!

Not feeling so sick anymore...yayyyyyy!

Hello Fbkers,

A blog is where one jots down the random thoughts in ones head at any time they should feel like. Pretty much an online diary.

I pretty much use this as a tool for jotting down whatever comes into my mind at a given time that I feel deserves to be recognised as important in my life. For those that don't already know, I write....pretty much a nomad in search for someone to publish my first novel....With luck, I did find a publishing house that have expressed interest (YAY!!!!)...not before many many many painful rejections before that came along. In the midst of re working some of the content....according to "the editor's helpful criticism"(rolls eyes.....)...which I did put on hold till I finished my second semester exams....now thats done.....

I write fiction. But hey, every story has its source. And its source usually comes from a personal experience or an event or a series of events that have unfolded in front of their eyes. Let me tell you this is true. My mind is gifted at taking an event that may have occurred and extrapolating it to create something different, a different outcome, a different character, a different scene.

At the moment, I have just written a new chapter for a new book....I love that feeling when you start off something new, have hopes for it being incredible....the ardous task comes after as you get through writing the first few stories ( i write in short stories, then compile them and fill in the missing blanks) and find that the events you have created may not "mesh" as well as you would like it to. Which is why I am avoiding looking at my first creation.....and the mess it cause after....

To aspiring writers out there, write when filled with emotion. That is when your thesaraus is at full blare and you think the clearest. The best way to convey emotions is to be in emotion.

Feel free to comment...although if you have nothing nice to say, shut up. Ill end up making a voodoo doll of you and sticking you with pins.

Till next time!

xx

Waiting room

Im sitting here and waiting....

god these heels are killing me!

Anyways who would have thought that they would have Wi fi in an office.....

"confidence cohen confidence"

Gah.....

"How did u develop ur characters?"

I say as I eat over Gelati...."well I didnt have to....these people exist...."

And now I am in an office....well the waiting room of an office anyways......

It seriously sucks when I have a friend like you.

So...goodbye S. 

You tell me you do it for my own sake, do u ever see me meddling in your life....no.....for a good damn business. 

You are the "crazy" friend.

Past week- nuts

Group therapy?- bunch of people wanting to whinge and have an audience. When they were crying and holding hands, all I could think about was they are openly spreading staphylococcus around. Gross. Clearly, I was not going to "fit in"....so I came home to my dog. Yay. 

Exam study- yuck. grrr. 

"Zen" flavoured tea- causes nausea. Disgusting.

Sun- yay. 

Pool- double yeah for heating. 

Yeah that would freak me out to know that people stalk my facebook....so yeah dont tell me.

Hmm fork to the mouth....not that easy my deary. Gah I wish you didn't tell me what you told me this morning, what am i suppose to do with that information? Tell him I know? What about his damn gf...u idiot. 

hmmm need to go print these photos off. But The Patridge family is sucking me in!!!!

Assignments, Assignments, Assignments....

God tell me when it will end!!

Grrrrrr

In the night, i hear them talk

The coldest story ever told

somewhere far along this road

he lost his soul.

To a woman so heartless.

Erin

“Ma am, what would you like to drink?”

“Double vodka on the rocks please?” she replied.

Fuck, what the hell am I doing on this plane? She thought to herself as she stared blankly as the steward pours her drink.

Seriously, what did she think is going to happen when she reached Kiev? There will be noone waiting for her at the airport, there isn’t anybody that she could reach. All she had was the tattered piece of paper that she torn off in a frenzy to copy the name of the hospital that she gotten in a reply.

“I blew off my fucking interview for this?” she thought as she took a big sip of the spirit that almost at once coursed through her chest eminating warmth.

How did she expect his reaction is going to be when she got there? Did she expect to be received by his mother? By his friends? For Christs sakes, they probably do not even know that she existed.

But how could she not? For the first time in her life, she knew what love felt like. The one person that she could cry to over the phone every night as she went through her miserable life, trying to find meaning as to what her existence in this world would bring. The one person whom she felt ashamed to give herself physically to even though he was the only person who made her feel attraction the way a man is suppose to make a woman feel. The same person who dropped off the face of the earth just like that. One day, no more contact. The same person who caused her to cry herself to sleep for months on end. The one person who made her contemplate jumping off the West gate Bridge one particularly low Thursday as she made her way into the city.

Whatever, she was way pass all this now.

She just needed to know the truth.

She just needed to see him.

She buckled her seatbelt in as she saw the mandatory flashing lights came on.

“ Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a pleasure flying with you and we wish you a pleasant journey. The current local time is 4.35 in the morning with the weather presently sitting at 15 degrees. Unfortunately we are presently experiencing some turbulence and the landing has been currently delayed. The captain will keep you posted as we reach closer to ground. ”

Great

Come on Mother fuckers, is this the best you have got. She thought to herself as the descent began.

Susie

She opened the door only to be greeted by a blast of cold air. Pulling her thin cashmere coat tighter around her, she walked into the street surrounded by the hustle and bustle of city goers. “Why the rush” she wondered. If only they knew how unimportant and meaningless the activities of their job today would be. If only they stopped for a second, just for a second and reflected upon their meaningless haste. Maybe they would see that their so called jobs, so called life, so called home was not what they really wanted.

“Life’s too short” she thought.

Life’s too short to be dancing with fat chicks.

At least now u know what you are worth.

This was never meant to happen, you deserve more than that.

Sometimes it just isn’t fair.

What you feel is real.

She walked faster and was happy to reach the corner of the street. She turned into an empty alley and slowed down.  She looked up into the sky and wondered if they all could see her. Could anyone see her at all?

“Stop it.” She thought.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

She paused before turning around back to the street. She slowed down her pace. Starting to focus on her breathing. There was no need to fret. Hasn’t she already been through enough for a lifetime. Surely this would be the fresh start that she needed. Surely she could get pass this moment. She had been through heavier moments.
“You have to love yourself before anybody can love u baby.”

She stopped and stared into the side mirror of the Prada store. For the first time, she recognised the girl who stared back. There was no sadness, just the look of a person who had been there and done that. Was there room for more?

She turned away.

Yes there was room. For better experiences, for worst experiences, for pain, for love, for isolation, for moments of desperation, for panic attacks, for hunger, for knowledge, for hope and even for faith.

There was room. There had to be.

Everything that had passed was just that. It was passed. There would be more to come. This time, she will be stronger. She was young. Young but ready.

Come on mother fuckers. Is this the best you have got? Is that all you can throw?

 

Affairs of the heart.

Long gone are the affairs of the heart and in comes the pages from the mind.  Sometimes I wonder whether I am just a walking pen who etches page by page into a novel. Its with everystep I walk and every move I make that I come closer to finishing my compilation. 

With one swift move, i thought my heart was shattered again...but it wasn't....

funny how your mind plays tricks like that on you. 

Im going to make my own barbie doll tomorrow. Ha ha ha....

The disease is back. Ugh....hurts my throat.....

The Magic Orange Hat

Ever since I saw it on Tv, Ive just become infatuated with the damn thing. Sure its targetted towards 3 year olds. But whatever.....I love it....anyways....I got yelled at today about it and I cried. 

And Tata crossed my mind. When I was younger, but mum and dad were not very well of at all. He used to sneak out and buy me these toys that I used to see on tv, made me feel like I was the apple of his eye. 

Why is it so hard to buy me a toy.

If He were still here, he would play with me, and we would laugh at how silly we were being. 

I miss him so much. 

It really hurts. 

I just dont know what Im doing...Im walking and doing walking and doing.

This morning when I woke up, I found myself staring at the ceiling.  Just for 30 seconds or so, I forgot where I was. Then I remembered I was still here, I hadn't left. 

Brrrring Brrrrring Brrring...hello hello hello

Ring a ling ling Ring a ling ling 

Hello hello hello

Cause if your calling at 2 in the morning...it can only mean one thing.....

dang dang

Hate you. 

Dearest God

Grant me the courage to do what i can,

Patience to wait for the things that can't be changed

And for Wisdom to know the difference. 

Amen.

If you're reading this, 

Im sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted me to.  Im sorry I couldn't put fingers to a key board to text you back. I didn't know what to say till now. I know what its like when you profess your love and you don't hear back. 

I wish you all the best and hope that wherever you are, you are happy. You are finding peace, answers and more and more meaning to life. I hope one day I find the same. :)

I don't regret anything. You taught me the meaning of old schooled romance, life lessons and instilled trust back into my life. You were the best distraction to my ordinary life. And i mean that in the most sacred way. 

And finally, Im really sorry J if I hurt you in any way. That was never my intention. 

Please take care of yourself . 

xx

Knife to Chest

I take back those sweet breaths. 

Hurts.

Today has got to be the worst day of my life. 

My dad is in hospital. 

And this time, Im panicking. 

SMILINGGGGGGGGGG

I love this Jesus man.

Hello Susie Shacter.

I just have to remember the crappy one msg that you sent me to make me not cry.

do it do it do it do it.

Ugh Easter Break come on already!!!

My parents are good parents.

I take back everything bad I have ever said about them.

someone has been in my room......its tidied up....and my mum isnt here.

im so drained. 

i hope i fall asleep out of exhaustion. and stop having nightmares from the recurring events of thursday. Everyday i try to forget about it, everyday i get a msg from u having some sort of go at it. Just keeps reminding me of what u did to me that day. 

I just couldnt do it anymore. The panic attacks the passing out, the insults on top of everything else i had to cope with. Not only that I lost all respect for u tonight with what you said to me. I really prayed that you would die a horrible death tonight for putting me through that crap. 

i need sleep now. 

Forgive

I forgive you for what you have done. Whole heartedly accept your apology. When and if you sincerley apologise. When and if you finally see that what you have done was not ok at all. And no amount of  reasoning or justification for your actions absolves u for the abuse and fear u instilled in me on thursday. 

This is why nothing else scares me. Not to even go through it on Monday by myself without u. Nothing scares me anymore. But you. Because that was the first and only time I feared for my life. And even after that, I still was scared for u. I was scared that you were going to do something stupid because I actually thought that you were going to see sense like a normal person with a conscience and see what you did was not ok at any level.

violence against women is never ok. And I cannot believe even for a day that i actually thought what you did was ok. 

But I forgive you. 

I really do.

Apology or no apology.

Justification or no justification.

for the first time in a long time, i am feeling really calm. and in control. 

no more tears.....

:)

Sex with the ex. 

oh vet vet vet

Sometimes I really believe that I am adopted. 

If not, I wish my parents had given me up for adoption. 

I was 13 when I wrote this.

One day

One day, I will tell u everything. How much I hate you. How many tears you have put me through. Every day you open ur mouth to me, I feel like Im getting stabbed over and over again. 

Someone told me today that you do it unintentionally. That you care about me and its just that you dont know how to express it.  I said to her. 

Let me tell u something darling, if someone cares about u, they wouldnt hurt you. They wouldnt put u down. They wouldnt make u feel so worthless and incapable of achieving anything u set your mind to. They wouldnt exploit your weaknesses. They wouldnt be the cause of u over the toilet puking everything u consume day after day. They wouldnt make u lie to ur closest people because of their actions. They wouldnt be the cause of panic attacks or self suffocation from the world. Anxiety, insomania. Mad hours of cramming textbook words into ur head.  They wouldnt humiliate u in front of ur friends. They wouldn't rub mistakes in ur face. They would actually take into account ur history before even thinking about hurting u.  They wouldnt have double standards. 

She asked me if that was the case, why I was still there. Why hadn't i just said fuck u, ur a terrible person, I never want to see ur face again. 

I told her because I was a weak person and I may just be going through a phase. Probably due to stress and tad hormonal. PMS always works. 

Im not weak. Im not stressed. Im not going through a phase. And I never suffer from PMS to the point where I think the whole world is against me.

I am just biding my time. Because when the time is right. I will hurt you. I wouldnt even think twice. I will tear u down and watch u cry. Make u feel worthless and alone. I will ruin u. 

For u

For u I give u my heart

Ripped from my chest

I would plunge my fingers through and bring it out

just for u

In addition I would like to give u some smaller organs as well

Glands that store my juices

Intestines that provide the absorption of necessary nutrients

Eyes that stare in awe

Sweet breaths.

This is not a love letter.

It's what one would give. 

Baby Michael

Baby Michael has moved in. Its been good! Although we did get all dressed up to go to this concert, and it ended up being on tomorrow night instead.....

So we roamed around St Kilda and treated ourselves to a tasty delight. Cold Rock....well there goes my efforts at the gym! Lol....

I can't really put my finger as to when the last time my sister and I had actually hung out and talked the way we  did tonight. Walking through the city, getting shouted by homeless people, talking about life, love....advice from each other. It was great.

In the end when we both came home with a smile on our faces.

This is the start of a beautiful relationship.

I want Abs.

I want Abs. 

Im gonna get Abs. 

Are u excited that uni is starting? Whoo hoo. I am.....

And not only that I have 2 days off in a row next week......thats even more exciting......

I met Humphrey Bear last night.

First of all, let me say the show The ex wives club is the best show in the world. Angie Evert, Shar Jackson, and whatever Donald Trumps ex wife's name ....Ah Marla Maple...are the ladies that host the show.  Basically if your bf/gf, partner, husband/wife dumped u and ou felt like u know you were the victim in thw whole thing, you go to these women and they help you get through it. They send you to 'bootcamp' and teach you how to 'let another man touch u again'. It is quite entertaining. Also you get the dirt on Kevin federline and Donald Trump. I love goss.

Anyways I ended up on the couch watching this junk because I am hungover and feeling like crap....trying to recuperate before I have to go to work tonight. Bleah. 

I finally managed to catch up with a friend of mine whom I havent seen probably since my 21st when pretty much after she uped and went to Europe. I remember calling her one night asking her whether she wanted to go out. Response yeah definately cept Im in Turkey atm. Bahahahaha. 

Anyways shes pretty much known as my Twin. So one glass of sauv turned into lets get the bottle into lets get another bottle....into ahhh we have time for one more bottle. U know ur ready to black out when u burst out laughing when you hear your friend used to be a cutter and u suggest you create a cutting party on facebook and the both of you just laugh till u burp.

Needless to say, many many many untellable tales were shared. Just as we were about to leave, of course we get invited by this gorgeous asian woman....hang on I actually cant really remember if she was hot.....anyways she invited us to go play with her friends. One of them claimed to be some porn star known as the masked porn star.....yeah right....anyways.....his other friends tell me that he is infact Humphrey Bear. 

The Humphrey Bear

I am drunk.

I start getting super excited!

Jumping around.

Omg Omg Omg.....

seriously

Humphrey Bear.....

Twin, if your reading this......ha ha ha.

No milk for vetty.

I am so happy to finally be sipping milky tea. I go through about maybe 4 cups a tea a day and for the last 2 days I have had none. This is because I had run out of milk and could not be bothered picking any up. Well I could but everytime I think I should go get some, something else pops up, someone calls me, I have to go to work, I need to have a shower etc etc.

Anyways, I blame the lack of tea in my brain for my crabbiness and sudden plummet of happiness. Seriously for the last 2 days, I have felt so down like arghhh and anything, I mean ANYTHING would be a tear jerker for me.  And every disagreement I have with anyone would seem so dramatic in my head. I stressed more, I became more restless, I had fights with people in my head....bleahhh.

This morning, I was lying in bed staring into my sisters mirror thinking about how crappy "my life" was and why I could not feel better. And why did it hit me all of a sudden! Why out of nowhere, I suddenly went bang and crashed.  To top it all off, my bf and I had a little DnM. Ooooo of course my head just went beserk! Omg, I got out of bed and looked around at my house and there were 5 maybe 6 things that was out of place, and it was like "omg my house is a mess! Clean it clean it clean it!" What a psycho. 

So i finally did my big shop today and came home. Flicked my kettle on and started unpacking all the nom nom that I have bought to stock my fridge. Finished unpacking, noticed that the kettle had flicked itself off, that means water is boiled.  Grabbed my favourite Avis mug(its huge),  infused my tea bag, then finally added the milk. Sat down, flicked open my mac, had a sip, instant orgasm in my mouth.  Happy hormones filled my body as I took sip after sip. 

*sigh*

so this is a hard lesson for me, I now know that I am an addict and without my fix, my world comes crashing down on me. 

Tea.

With milk.

Always always always have milk in ur house Yvette.

Living alone

I love living alone atm. I come home, and turn on my air conditioner, switch on my plasma and just unwind. Its the sweetest deal. Pretty soon, Im gonna have my sister come live with me, and whist the thought of it is sorta exciting. I can pretty much kiss my single, alone, behaviour goodbye. 

*sigh

Anyways, I went Vintage apparell shopping today with chookie and picked up some goodies to chop up. Excitement!

Oh I feel so sorry for everyone who doesnt have an air conditioner. It is absolutely scorching! Ugh if I never have to leave the house for the next 4 days, I would gladly stay at home. 

Drama!!!

I've spent one day and one night with my parents and already I feel suffocated!!!! Arghhhhhh

So I couldn't sleep and decided yerrr Id go out with the boys last night......what a mistake. Drama drama drama. 

Lying in bed forcing myself to sleep would have been such a better idea. 

Although it was cool to see B again. She's so cute I want to squeeze her cheeks!

My friend S

I have a friend. Let's call her S. S is a size 8, blonde, law student blessed with features bestowed upon her by venus herself. A bikini model by day, law student with sexy librarian glasses by night. 

Anyways, S had a bf, D, for douche bag. S and D began their 41/2 yr relationship long distance and finally closed the gap between them 2 yrs ago. S and D were one of 'those' couples, they did EVERYTHING together. Trips away, you had to invite both to a party, everyday sleepovers whatever you get the picture. 

One day D told S that he needed a break. Some time to 'find' himself. Sweet. 

Poor S, she stood by the phone for 3 weeks. Not to mention her dad just suffered yet another heart attack. PLUS she was in the middle of her exams. 

She failed her exams, had nobody to talk to in terms of her dad and stopped eating and sleeping. 

Wait it gets better.

About a week later, D calls S up in the afternoon telling her he wants to work things out. That night he rang her up to announce he changed his mind and they were over. 

2 days after that, D starts seeing this 18 yr old teeny bopper. About 3 days after that, he calls S up to tell her he misses her and that they would get back together in time. 

S is stuck in limbo land of breakup. So she gets worse day by day. 

My other friend E went overseas last year and came back a totally diferent person. She ditched all her lousy hanger on friends and had wicked hair. 

B used to be so quiet. She surprised me about 2 yrs ago when she tipped water all over a guys head at the pub. She's totally mad and funky now and is going out with a black guy. They will make beautiful babies one day and i will be their favourite auntie. They'll be like "Auntie vetty auntie vetty, your way cooler than mummy and daddy." Or "Auntie vetty Auntie vetty can u buy us beer?"Or "Auntie vetty Auntie vetty, come hang out with my 18yr old friends because you don't look a day older than 18." Yes.

Anyways, back to S. . .

Um I kinda forgot what i was going to say....oh well! Gotta bounce! 

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, a girl got sick of her old blog and decided to start a new one. Plus livejournal is so old school.

Anyways, this girl has a bunch of friends in which most of them were drama queens much like herself. They like to make big fusses over hair, boys, weight, clothes etc etc you get the picture. 

As time went on, this girl started to grow up. And although she stayed a drama queen, her dramas didnt seem so dramatic anymore.  But her little bunch of friends didnt grow up and still went on blabbing about the same crap. 

In time, she got annoyed. So....

she deleted them from her facebook.

And she lived happily ever after!