for the first time in a long time, i am feeling really calm. and in control. 

no more tears.....

:)

Sex with the ex. 

oh vet vet vet

Sometimes I really believe that I am adopted. 

If not, I wish my parents had given me up for adoption. 

I was 13 when I wrote this.

One day

One day, I will tell u everything. How much I hate you. How many tears you have put me through. Every day you open ur mouth to me, I feel like Im getting stabbed over and over again. 

Someone told me today that you do it unintentionally. That you care about me and its just that you dont know how to express it.  I said to her. 

Let me tell u something darling, if someone cares about u, they wouldnt hurt you. They wouldnt put u down. They wouldnt make u feel so worthless and incapable of achieving anything u set your mind to. They wouldnt exploit your weaknesses. They wouldnt be the cause of u over the toilet puking everything u consume day after day. They wouldnt make u lie to ur closest people because of their actions. They wouldnt be the cause of panic attacks or self suffocation from the world. Anxiety, insomania. Mad hours of cramming textbook words into ur head.  They wouldnt humiliate u in front of ur friends. They wouldn't rub mistakes in ur face. They would actually take into account ur history before even thinking about hurting u.  They wouldnt have double standards. 

She asked me if that was the case, why I was still there. Why hadn't i just said fuck u, ur a terrible person, I never want to see ur face again. 

I told her because I was a weak person and I may just be going through a phase. Probably due to stress and tad hormonal. PMS always works. 

Im not weak. Im not stressed. Im not going through a phase. And I never suffer from PMS to the point where I think the whole world is against me.

I am just biding my time. Because when the time is right. I will hurt you. I wouldnt even think twice. I will tear u down and watch u cry. Make u feel worthless and alone. I will ruin u. 

For u

For u I give u my heart

Ripped from my chest

I would plunge my fingers through and bring it out

just for u

In addition I would like to give u some smaller organs as well

Glands that store my juices

Intestines that provide the absorption of necessary nutrients

Eyes that stare in awe

Sweet breaths.

This is not a love letter.

It's what one would give.