Extreme

I caught up with my good friend Lexi today at Workshop bar. It’s always good to see her, she is pretty much the only other person that I find that will get me at my wave length. My last week has been pretty tough. From adjusting to full time work and more, a good friend passing away, passing all my subjects, getting offered a PHD scholarship, new jobs, sleeping with my new boss...Life was pretty full on, even for me.
The hard part was bouncing from one extreme to the other. From John passing to feeling the relief of graduation to that being stripped from me when they mess up the dates of my graduation (arghhh).If this is what it is like to be an adult then I really have to buy myself some insurance. I was an absolute WRECK the last week. I must have looked like some sort of drugged up junkie just on a high and then crash real quick without an warning. My day of rest on Sunday was amazing though, it’s good when I sleep, I feel that because I don’t do it too often enough that my body absolutely appreciates it. And I do understand and give in when I feel that I absolutely need it. I woke up feeling a lot better, but it wasn’t till Monday that when I came home and finally accepted that John was gone, and cried, that I feel somewhat like myself again.

I guess it’s also important to not let work consume my life, even though it is the bulk of my life, I cannot neglect my writing (which has always been my saviour to many obstacles) and to always try and keep goals in focus.

On Saturday, I agreed to meet strangers in a stranger’s apartment and pose for photos. Profile shots to be blown up and stuck all around Melbourne’s alleyways. It really is not as creepy as it sounds, what a cool concept and I was so happy to have been part of it. How it all even began was a little bit random in itsel. Some guy added me on fb and private msged me the details, I watched the video, thought it was cool and called him and voila.
Kids, don’t think this is ok to do with every stranger. Because I was probably the lucky one out of the lot. Plus, I took a friend, and checked out the guys profile like there was no tomorrow.

Simon, the person whose apartment that we shot it at, had an awesome story to pass on about his father. That I will save for another post in itself, as it deserves recognition as a short story.

Hope everyone is doing well and taking care of each other.

Fat

I usually speak to my bar manager about twice a week on the phone to pretty much discuss the events of the bar and gather what we are going to do for the next big events etc. But lately, we have been speaking more often given recent happenings and the place of work has started to become a bloody scene from "passions".

Today, the conversation lead to one of my favourite dancers soon to be laid off because she was getting too "fat". X is seriously one of the most beautiful, genuine and sincere people I have gotten to know in this life and we have become fast stead friends in recent months. However, due to personal problems, she has started a course of antidepressants and that has not been good for her physical health as she has started to put on some weight. Apparently, it has gotten to the point whereby her naked body has become too "unsightly" for the majority of "fine" gentlemen that visit the bar.

X has a mortgage and a son. How is she suppose to fend for herself when she gets laid off?

Fat.

Every woman's insecurity. What happens when insecurity becomes reality.

Being a runner, I constantly have to watch what I eat. Last Friday, I did a sponsered beach run. I came in 5th and when the 1st, 2nd 3rd, 4th and 7th place got picked to do a Nike sponsered run and not me, my trainer comes bak to inform me that they didn't feel that I had the right look for the run. I asked him what they meant.

"Vet, they think you are too fat."

Granted, Im not skinny. I have a slow metabolism hence I can never eat Carbs when Im in running season. But for god's sakes! You are going to pick the 7th place runner instead of me? Me...that clocked in 12km in an hour.

And for that split second, I actually felt stung.

I remember heading over to Geelong to meet up with my friends and telling them the events of the day and at one point being asked why I watched what I eat all the time. Well simple, because I need to stay in the weight zone of 65kgs and I have a slow metabolism which means I cannot burn of carbs as fast as other people. On top of that, I can't have extra weight on me when I run. So, I have done all that is possible for me to stay fit. Is this not enough?

YES. It is enough. Because if you are told ladies that despite your abilities, you are judged upon your appearance, then fuck them. Stand up for yourself and be strong. Because the last thing you want is to set this example for the little girls of the future generation.

Until my next rant. x

Your long awaited response.

I struggled even at the thought of writing. Funny that. That’s the extent of what you did to me.

I wrote this to you here because I know you read this. I know you enough to know that should I reply to your emails, you will write another one and the last thing I want is to see any part of you attempting some form of communication with me after what you did. And you comment, everyone that reads this will know who you are. Even you are not that stupid.

Your apologies mean nothing to me. Nothing at all. I am a forgiving person, you know this. I love my friends, more than life itself and would do anything for them. You know this. I held you in my arms when you cried about this months before, I warned you, I stood by you, I even took a hit literally for you. Yet I still protected you, shielded you and kept everything you said for you. Why? Because you were my friend and friends stand by each other.

I took a risk for you. Against everything, against my own head. For you.

You stabbed me in the back to the one person that you knew could potentially hurt me and my family. All for your selfish needs.

“I love him Yvette”- Not good enough

“I’m sorry Yvette”- Not good enough

“You don’t understand what its like to be in love”- Not good enough

“I over reacted with my emotions”- Not good enough

“I just want everything to go back to the way it was.”

Grow up. Your 32.

Not. Fucking. Good. Enough.

Why?

1.) Your 32. Never mind me, Your jealousy almost ruined a 23 year old girl’s life. She never did anything to you. You weren’t the apple of his eye anymore and that caused you to spread lies. You know who else did that? No body. Your one in a million. How does it feel? Did you really think that you could have a future? You know what, I don’t even care what you thought. I bet it’s something stupid.

2.) I’m your friend. You used me as bait.

3.) You knew he could just as easily come after my family. By that I mean my sister. Not cool when you get my family involved. Hurt turns to anger.

4.) Your 32. These mistakes should not be mistakes. My own dog can tell the difference between left and right. But then again, my dog doesn’t beg either.

5.) You have no dignity. And you have proven it time after time.

So.

When I said to you I never want to see your face again. Ever. That included hearing from you. No messages, no emails, no skype. No, nothing.

To sum it up. Your apology is not accepted. When you come to Melbourne, you go out of your way to avoid me. When I get to London, you make sure I do not bump into you.

One more email /text/phone call from you, and I will make your life hell. I swear to god I will. You so much as even think about coming near my family, I will inform yours of your escapades. I will inform your work of them too. I will ruin everything you have worked so hard for. You know I can.

Leave me alone. Take this as closure. Or hate mail. I don't really give a damn. Time will not make it better, but it will make me forget you even existed.

The Pretty Reckless

The Pretty Reckless

"Make me wanna die"

Check it out.

song of the year.

I'll take it all.

Arrows and Guns

Hundreds more

To save you for one.

Nerves

So Nervous.

Why!

I've sat a cajillion exams before.

WHY!

Usually.

USUALLY

When the pressure hits on, I turn up the heat and focus. I think it must be that it's my last semester or the thought that I am going to be out of routine for a while that leaves me so desponded this time round. I feel a little bit of whack when I can't seem to sit down and just focus. Writing is not coming to me either so it's so difficult as I cant really feel myself releasing any of this pent up restlessness.

Just a couple of days ago, I skyped with my Homie in London. We skype every week ( most of tihe time), but this time it really hit home. We really have never been apart from each other since my big move to Aus. We are usually in the same city. I think it was halfway through our convo when I was telling her about my little "crush" or something silly like that when I just kinda pause and just got all emotional, little choked up. Something so small and insignificant and yeah...took me by surprise. I guess I just miss the whole being able to call on her whenever I want, hanging out in person, just being Thelma and Louise. Anyways, thank god for skype, I could just blame the connection for being choked up.

One of the events that I was filling her in on, I'm going to go ahead and describe because it actually really threw me off guard for a bit. I'm not usually an emotional person per say, and I guess my friends can quite easily say that I am quite a composed person in my everyday life. Im very controlled in the way I do things, I am not a scatter brain, I can predict myself and I have always thought that I knew myself quite well. I only have a handful of close friends whom I feel that is capable of me loving them enough to hurt me, always have been the example that illustrates that everyone has the ability to hurt you but only those that matter, shatter. Anyways, this was what happened.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a hens night in Geelong.

Ok, before that, here is the prelude to the story.

Besides working at the titty bar, I work at a cafe/bakery at my University. I started working there at the start of the year. Anywhoo, there is this boy that comes in, Lucas. And Lucas orders a short Mac without fail. So routine hits and Lucas always comes in every Wednesday and Thursday morning. He is quite the character when I first met him. Really quiet, keeps to himself, just sits outside reading the paper, smokes his cigarettes, slurps his coffee. He never really made conversation with me, at the start, I just put it down to him not knowing me whatsoever. But as time passed, I found it a little weird that this guy that comes in 2 to 3 times a day when I was on shift to not warm up to me or even have a conversation with me. So what the hell, I bit the bullet and had a chat to him one day and guess what.

Great guy. So down to earth, so friggin witty, took my jokes light heartedly and was an absolute gun in my eyes. Love this kid.

Fb friends, joke here and there when he came in. Down pact.

So when I said I was heading down to Geelong for a friend's hens, and he tells me he plays at the bar that we were hitting, I was definately stoked. Fab I thought, great to check out this kid's talent. Give and take, its a cover band, have no love for them. Music is my life, I never get a weekend off, its going to be great.

So I spot him over the bar and I tell my friends that I'm just going to go say hi to my friend. My friend Lucas. So I walk over there and get all chirpy and welcoming only to be greeted with the cold shoulder. I was a little hammered and it took me a while to register the whole "dissing", but I just remember when it finally clicked that the kid was obviously filled with disdain that I was there speaking to him, I was speechless. So I got up and left him there.

Don't worry, I had a fab night, rocked home at 5, spewed up, the whole shi bang.

BUT the next day, I just remember not being able to shake off the whole incident. And this went on for days.

I couldn't figure out why I let it bother me so much. I thought I've always known myself fairly well, and I am the sort of person that brushes things off fairly easily, but so reason I couldn' brush this off. Ok, give and take that maybe I had a crush on this guy or what not, but still I did not think he was so significant in my life that I felt that strongly about it.

So what was it?

It was the fact that I had someone just treat me like they hated me. And for me to not know what I had done to deserve it.

But still, I couldn't shake it off. I decided that I was going to say something to him the next time I saw him, I even practised the whole "speech"on what I was going to say. ( I hate confrontations)

When he came in, on the Thursday, all jolly like and being all exuberant, I was absolutely flabberghasted. And not to mention, I started to stutter, and I swear give it another 2 minutes and the tears would have been rolling down my face.

And I would never forget that look on his face, when his jaw just dropped when I told him (omg, I cannot believe I said this.....)

"I was really hurt, I don't know what I did to you to make you hate me so much"

The guy didn't even know what he did. Here I was, upset for days, and he did not even know that he had done anything to evoke this.

What the hell.

Anyways, he apologised and what not and picked up my stuff from Geelong that I had left over there. When I picked it up from him, we even had a chat and beers (yerrr, I kicked myself for days), and it was fine.

Still, this incident plays in my head over and over again. I just could not believe how strong my reaction was towards that, just goes to show that perhaps, I do not know myself as well as I thought I may have.

I spoke about it to some friends but it wasn't till I skyped with Homie that the penny dropped.

Anyways, Homie, if are reading this, I hope you know that the void in irreplaceable.

Much more to say, for another time.

Take care of each other.

x