The Pretty Reckless

The Pretty Reckless

"Make me wanna die"

Check it out.

song of the year.

I'll take it all.

Arrows and Guns

Hundreds more

To save you for one.

Nerves

So Nervous.

Why!

I've sat a cajillion exams before.

WHY!

Usually.

USUALLY

When the pressure hits on, I turn up the heat and focus. I think it must be that it's my last semester or the thought that I am going to be out of routine for a while that leaves me so desponded this time round. I feel a little bit of whack when I can't seem to sit down and just focus. Writing is not coming to me either so it's so difficult as I cant really feel myself releasing any of this pent up restlessness.

Just a couple of days ago, I skyped with my Homie in London. We skype every week ( most of tihe time), but this time it really hit home. We really have never been apart from each other since my big move to Aus. We are usually in the same city. I think it was halfway through our convo when I was telling her about my little "crush" or something silly like that when I just kinda pause and just got all emotional, little choked up. Something so small and insignificant and yeah...took me by surprise. I guess I just miss the whole being able to call on her whenever I want, hanging out in person, just being Thelma and Louise. Anyways, thank god for skype, I could just blame the connection for being choked up.

One of the events that I was filling her in on, I'm going to go ahead and describe because it actually really threw me off guard for a bit. I'm not usually an emotional person per say, and I guess my friends can quite easily say that I am quite a composed person in my everyday life. Im very controlled in the way I do things, I am not a scatter brain, I can predict myself and I have always thought that I knew myself quite well. I only have a handful of close friends whom I feel that is capable of me loving them enough to hurt me, always have been the example that illustrates that everyone has the ability to hurt you but only those that matter, shatter. Anyways, this was what happened.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a hens night in Geelong.

Ok, before that, here is the prelude to the story.

Besides working at the titty bar, I work at a cafe/bakery at my University. I started working there at the start of the year. Anywhoo, there is this boy that comes in, Lucas. And Lucas orders a short Mac without fail. So routine hits and Lucas always comes in every Wednesday and Thursday morning. He is quite the character when I first met him. Really quiet, keeps to himself, just sits outside reading the paper, smokes his cigarettes, slurps his coffee. He never really made conversation with me, at the start, I just put it down to him not knowing me whatsoever. But as time passed, I found it a little weird that this guy that comes in 2 to 3 times a day when I was on shift to not warm up to me or even have a conversation with me. So what the hell, I bit the bullet and had a chat to him one day and guess what.

Great guy. So down to earth, so friggin witty, took my jokes light heartedly and was an absolute gun in my eyes. Love this kid.

Fb friends, joke here and there when he came in. Down pact.

So when I said I was heading down to Geelong for a friend's hens, and he tells me he plays at the bar that we were hitting, I was definately stoked. Fab I thought, great to check out this kid's talent. Give and take, its a cover band, have no love for them. Music is my life, I never get a weekend off, its going to be great.

So I spot him over the bar and I tell my friends that I'm just going to go say hi to my friend. My friend Lucas. So I walk over there and get all chirpy and welcoming only to be greeted with the cold shoulder. I was a little hammered and it took me a while to register the whole "dissing", but I just remember when it finally clicked that the kid was obviously filled with disdain that I was there speaking to him, I was speechless. So I got up and left him there.

Don't worry, I had a fab night, rocked home at 5, spewed up, the whole shi bang.

BUT the next day, I just remember not being able to shake off the whole incident. And this went on for days.

I couldn't figure out why I let it bother me so much. I thought I've always known myself fairly well, and I am the sort of person that brushes things off fairly easily, but so reason I couldn' brush this off. Ok, give and take that maybe I had a crush on this guy or what not, but still I did not think he was so significant in my life that I felt that strongly about it.

So what was it?

It was the fact that I had someone just treat me like they hated me. And for me to not know what I had done to deserve it.

But still, I couldn't shake it off. I decided that I was going to say something to him the next time I saw him, I even practised the whole "speech"on what I was going to say. ( I hate confrontations)

When he came in, on the Thursday, all jolly like and being all exuberant, I was absolutely flabberghasted. And not to mention, I started to stutter, and I swear give it another 2 minutes and the tears would have been rolling down my face.

And I would never forget that look on his face, when his jaw just dropped when I told him (omg, I cannot believe I said this.....)

"I was really hurt, I don't know what I did to you to make you hate me so much"

The guy didn't even know what he did. Here I was, upset for days, and he did not even know that he had done anything to evoke this.

What the hell.

Anyways, he apologised and what not and picked up my stuff from Geelong that I had left over there. When I picked it up from him, we even had a chat and beers (yerrr, I kicked myself for days), and it was fine.

Still, this incident plays in my head over and over again. I just could not believe how strong my reaction was towards that, just goes to show that perhaps, I do not know myself as well as I thought I may have.

I spoke about it to some friends but it wasn't till I skyped with Homie that the penny dropped.

Anyways, Homie, if are reading this, I hope you know that the void in irreplaceable.

Much more to say, for another time.

Take care of each other.

x