The Pretty Reckless

The Pretty Reckless

"Make me wanna die"

Check it out.

song of the year.

I'll take it all.

Arrows and Guns

Hundreds more

To save you for one.

Nerves

So Nervous.

Why!

I've sat a cajillion exams before.

WHY!

Usually.

USUALLY

When the pressure hits on, I turn up the heat and focus. I think it must be that it's my last semester or the thought that I am going to be out of routine for a while that leaves me so desponded this time round. I feel a little bit of whack when I can't seem to sit down and just focus. Writing is not coming to me either so it's so difficult as I cant really feel myself releasing any of this pent up restlessness.

Just a couple of days ago, I skyped with my Homie in London. We skype every week ( most of tihe time), but this time it really hit home. We really have never been apart from each other since my big move to Aus. We are usually in the same city. I think it was halfway through our convo when I was telling her about my little "crush" or something silly like that when I just kinda pause and just got all emotional, little choked up. Something so small and insignificant and yeah...took me by surprise. I guess I just miss the whole being able to call on her whenever I want, hanging out in person, just being Thelma and Louise. Anyways, thank god for skype, I could just blame the connection for being choked up.

One of the events that I was filling her in on, I'm going to go ahead and describe because it actually really threw me off guard for a bit. I'm not usually an emotional person per say, and I guess my friends can quite easily say that I am quite a composed person in my everyday life. Im very controlled in the way I do things, I am not a scatter brain, I can predict myself and I have always thought that I knew myself quite well. I only have a handful of close friends whom I feel that is capable of me loving them enough to hurt me, always have been the example that illustrates that everyone has the ability to hurt you but only those that matter, shatter. Anyways, this was what happened.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a hens night in Geelong.

Ok, before that, here is the prelude to the story.

Besides working at the titty bar, I work at a cafe/bakery at my University. I started working there at the start of the year. Anywhoo, there is this boy that comes in, Lucas. And Lucas orders a short Mac without fail. So routine hits and Lucas always comes in every Wednesday and Thursday morning. He is quite the character when I first met him. Really quiet, keeps to himself, just sits outside reading the paper, smokes his cigarettes, slurps his coffee. He never really made conversation with me, at the start, I just put it down to him not knowing me whatsoever. But as time passed, I found it a little weird that this guy that comes in 2 to 3 times a day when I was on shift to not warm up to me or even have a conversation with me. So what the hell, I bit the bullet and had a chat to him one day and guess what.

Great guy. So down to earth, so friggin witty, took my jokes light heartedly and was an absolute gun in my eyes. Love this kid.

Fb friends, joke here and there when he came in. Down pact.

So when I said I was heading down to Geelong for a friend's hens, and he tells me he plays at the bar that we were hitting, I was definately stoked. Fab I thought, great to check out this kid's talent. Give and take, its a cover band, have no love for them. Music is my life, I never get a weekend off, its going to be great.

So I spot him over the bar and I tell my friends that I'm just going to go say hi to my friend. My friend Lucas. So I walk over there and get all chirpy and welcoming only to be greeted with the cold shoulder. I was a little hammered and it took me a while to register the whole "dissing", but I just remember when it finally clicked that the kid was obviously filled with disdain that I was there speaking to him, I was speechless. So I got up and left him there.

Don't worry, I had a fab night, rocked home at 5, spewed up, the whole shi bang.

BUT the next day, I just remember not being able to shake off the whole incident. And this went on for days.

I couldn't figure out why I let it bother me so much. I thought I've always known myself fairly well, and I am the sort of person that brushes things off fairly easily, but so reason I couldn' brush this off. Ok, give and take that maybe I had a crush on this guy or what not, but still I did not think he was so significant in my life that I felt that strongly about it.

So what was it?

It was the fact that I had someone just treat me like they hated me. And for me to not know what I had done to deserve it.

But still, I couldn't shake it off. I decided that I was going to say something to him the next time I saw him, I even practised the whole "speech"on what I was going to say. ( I hate confrontations)

When he came in, on the Thursday, all jolly like and being all exuberant, I was absolutely flabberghasted. And not to mention, I started to stutter, and I swear give it another 2 minutes and the tears would have been rolling down my face.

And I would never forget that look on his face, when his jaw just dropped when I told him (omg, I cannot believe I said this.....)

"I was really hurt, I don't know what I did to you to make you hate me so much"

The guy didn't even know what he did. Here I was, upset for days, and he did not even know that he had done anything to evoke this.

What the hell.

Anyways, he apologised and what not and picked up my stuff from Geelong that I had left over there. When I picked it up from him, we even had a chat and beers (yerrr, I kicked myself for days), and it was fine.

Still, this incident plays in my head over and over again. I just could not believe how strong my reaction was towards that, just goes to show that perhaps, I do not know myself as well as I thought I may have.

I spoke about it to some friends but it wasn't till I skyped with Homie that the penny dropped.

Anyways, Homie, if are reading this, I hope you know that the void in irreplaceable.

Much more to say, for another time.

Take care of each other.

x

Goodbye

Dreary days followed by Sunshine that gives us a quick peek, just like the devil tempting you with sex in exchange for your soul. Everyone that knows me understands how much I hate rain. Bleagh....

I had to say Goodbye to Rosy the other day :( It was horrid. Its like a come down after that massive high on a weekend that we had prior to that, Gary's 50th and GodsKitchen. Au Revoir Spud! See u in Ibitha.

It's my last exam period so I really should try and take it in for what it's worth. Yeah....No.....

So the other day, whilst at the Royal, Russell in his usual exuberence was regailing me with his stories from his days. That fella has quite the trip! With 7 accounts of STDs under his belt to which he always refused sex with his wife on the pretence of "Jetlag" ( he travels alot for work), a mistress in Thailand and letting young teens blow him because he felt sorry for them and thus paid them for their "services", I must say that man has definately lived his life. Brought up in a small country town, crack addict for a mother and never knowing when his next meal was going to be, the man has grown.....( See picture) He has definately convinced me that the next set of short stories be based on him.....and we shall call it.... "Normal Boy".

Anyway, time to go. Class calls. Till next time.

x

Book.

"My friend, there are two truths of the world. The truth acceptable to you. And the truth acceptable to liars. Happiness fall from both. Which one will you be."

Synopsis.

Big change.

Hey all,

sorry been off the face of this planet for a bit. Just been digesting some stuff and not to mention super busy.

I guess the real big thing is my big move to London :) An unexpected job opportunity has come up and it couldn't have come at a better time. Im so excited and so cannot wait to close this chapter of my life and jump unto the next. Not to mention, I will be able to hang with my Bestie and J again. :) Of course, I will have to wait till I graduate (thanks parents....) but ill be leaving for India in January and backpack my way round .....

Oh over the weekend, This stupid girl threw a bottle at my head. Thank god it missed my pretty face. My sister starts work with me this weekend...Yay! Or Nay...I don't know.

I hate Biochem.

That is all.

xoxo

I can procrastinate through packing as well.

Yeah ok so Im trying to pack, but go figure, I left all my washing till the last minute....so i figured that there was no point in me packing until all my washing was done . That way, I can look at ALL of my options....to pick the modest clothing from my errm not so modest clothing??

Get this phone call at quarter past 8 from this woman......blasts me....then adds at the end..."good luck packing and have fun at your holiday!"

Why thank you for that.

Much more writing needs to happen.

xx

Semester one over and out!

Finished my exams yesterday and today I modelled for my sisters exam today. Felt like I was on Project runway, what with all the people running around and the hair and the make up and the drama! THE DRAAAAMMMMAAAA!

Anyways, they picked and picked and picked on Mei's clothing.....whatever.....I thought they were beautiful. :)

9 days till my holiday. So friggin excited!

Ok, Im off to write!

xx

The Sad Chapters.

It was one of the hardest weekends that I have had in a while that really tested the substance of my being. Top that off with a dagger in my heart. I cried for 2 days. Maybe more if you counted the outbursts in the bathroom, the strippers room and even in his bed when he left the room.

I finally had to come to the realisation that I need to start taking my own advice that I dish out to all the people that feel the need to ask me for advice. People come and go. Friendships end. People break each others hearts. And that you cannot save everybody.

I told a person and he snapped back at me saying that it was my fault. And I chose to accept what he said over the other 5 people that told me that it wasn't. Why is this. At the time, I let it go, and now I think back to it.....Im angry.

Its the one criticism that you choose to remember in spite of the many other praises that you are given. This is true and it was most definately true in this instance.

Its never a failure and always a lesson.

Everyone has the ability to hurt, but only the ones that matter, shatter.

I was shattered.

Its going to be over soon!

"There's a drumming voice inside my head that starts when your around

Swear that you can hear it, it makes such an almighty sound

Louder than sirens, louder than bells

Sweeter than heaven and hotter than hell.

As I move my feet towards your body

I can hear this beat

Fills my head up

It gets louder and louder"

Its almost over. 8 months of my life. Just finish it. Im a wreck. Sweet relief will set in. It will all be ok.

Stay alive and kicking people.

Don't lie to the Story teller.

U should learn never to lie to the story teller. Because all it does is see through your lies, and then put it to paper. Where it will keep it and one day use it to tell the world, your darkest secrets. This would expose you and put you to shame.

But for the storyteller, oh no. But for the story teller, this would bring her glory. For you see, what it wants, is not recognition, or gold, or for glory. All it wants is to see the emotions that come with the exposure.

For you see that is the curse of the story teller. What they thrive on, is the experience.

I've finally figured out how to upload images!

Ive been blogging for a disgusting amount of time and Ive only just figured out how to upload images.

In my hands above you will see the only copy ever to be reproduced of saturated reality. Its brillant really, series of short stories that was compiled of a wee friend of mine. So glad we met, Superstar.

I had my thesis presentation yesterday that went far from good. Even attempting to write about the event brings anger, vomit and tears. Grrrr.

Funnily enough the only person that I could even talk about it to was a patron at the Royal. Perhaps it was the that he wasn't involved in my life at circumstance that I felt it was ok to unburden all this "disappointment" to. After all, what expectation would he have of me?

I've decided that I love red bull. I don't give a rap that I have to crack one open every morning to get me going. Fuck it. Its my vice. Judge me if you please.

The next month of my life is going to be sheer and utter hell. Then after....Bliss in Vietnam.

Hope everything is going swell with you folks.

Stay alive and kicking.

xx

Florence.

Be careful of the curse that falls on young lovers

Starts off soft and sweet, then turns them to hunters.

To B and J.

You guys put the rays in my ray bans. I love you both.

xx

Writers block. Go away.

Yeah its no surprise that once in a while, I hit a real block where I can't string words together........

Cept its lasted 7 months.

Grrr.....

A day in the life of a stripper

I know I know, the most cliche title that is going around these days. So whatever, if you don't want to read my take on it, log off.

Over Summer, I got a new job working at a bar. Little did I know that this bar housed the most exciting experiences that I would ever encounter in my life till this point.

Strippers.

Now I don't know about u, but to me, these ladies were beautiful creatures that should one even acknowledge your existence, it would leave you smiling for a day. The way men fawn over them, follow them as they danced across the room, open their wallets and pulling out bills without even knowing how much they were putting in.

Now I still remember the first time one of them even smiled at me, can u imagine how you would feel when they knew your name? Anyways, I had grown to love them and as far as I was concerned, the like was mutual. As long as I stayed out of their way, I posed no threat to them.

Then there was Candy.

The girl was a star. Not because she was the most attractive. Not because she had the best rack. Not because she had "attitude".

Because the girl was geniunely Nice.

Anyways, this really isn't the point of this blog to rant on about Candy's favours. Suffice to say, she and I became fast and close friends.

So one innocent morning, over a cup of coffee, my phone buzzes. Candy.

Candy:"Oi, what are you doing today?"

Me:" errrm, assignment I guess."

Candy: "Damn, was gonna ask you if you wanted to be my driver for the day, my driver is sick. "

Distraction. Procrastination. In the name of experience?

Awesome. Hell Yes.

Picked Candy up from her house and we were ready to go.

1pm- Shopping

Candy's first gig wasn't till 3pm. So we had time to kill.....so what else is there to do other than Underwear shopping.

3pm- Strip gig at the Royal

I work at the same bar. Nothing interesting here. Regulars. She does her thing.

4.30pm- Strip gig at the Spotty in Spotswood.

So we make our way from the Royal to the Spotty. As we walked in, we meet the other strippers that were there killing time till their show. One of them was Sydney, the most flexible woman I have ever met. We grab a shot of anabolic steriods and a vodka and started chatting. Candy was off mingling with the crowds, making her money. Sydney and I decide to grab a meal and started chatting about " breaking bad". Now most of these strippers either study or have another Job. In this case, Sydney was a massage therapist. Awesome. I grab a name card, head out after the meal to grab a seat in front of the stage to see Candy do her show.

5.30pm

Next gig wasn't for a few hours so we decide to hit up the shopping centre. We walked around the shops, talked, gossiped and I got to know a little more about Candy. But as I said, thats for another blog. By 7pm, we were out of things to do. So we decided to go treat ourselves and get our hair done.

9.30pm- Bikey bar gig.

We turn up at a members only bike bar. Now, I have never been to a bikey bar before. Errm, probably because I wasn't a bikey???

I was given the low down by Candy before I went in. No swearing, No staring, and do not blog about anything that happens in the V.I.P room.

so sorry.

But let me just say this about the room......Wow. :)

By the time, this gig was over, I was so tired it was not funny. Just as I thought our night was over, Candy's work phone starts buzzing, she had been called in to do another show tonight.

The place was an hour away, it was tough enough for me to keep my eyes opened, I did not know how Candy was even gonna consider doing this gig. But to my amazement, she said yes.

As we made our way over the other side of the universe, I asked Candy whether it was possible for her to ever turn down a job. She replies "are u kidding?" And with that response, for the first time that night, I felt sorry for every stripper in the world.

We finally get to this house. Walked in the door. There sat 3 boys. I couldn't even say they were men, by god I could barely see the chest hair poking through their chest. 3 men, drinking beer, decide hey it would be fun to call a stripper in and pay her 160 dollars to play wth us for 20 mins.

It. Was. Awkard.

Epecially after the shaving cream.....needless to say, I was glad to be outta there and in my car. Back to Candys.

We get back to Candys where I quickly got into my pjs and made myself comfortable in bed. As she walks into the room, I look up at this girl, without the make up, without the costumes, without the extravagant hair.

And I saw myself.

.........

Except she was white.

Till next time,

Stay alive and kicking people.

xx

God, last week I just could not believe the situation I was in with work. It was so upsetting, god i have never cried so much in my life. Stupid stupid stupid Matty.

This week, I swear I feel like im in love. :)

still can't write though. :(

Lately....

Lately....

I have not been able to write. But it isnt so much writer's block .... everytime I have the urge to write, I am in the wrong place. Shopping, working....etc etc. I have some ideas.....well more so, bits and pieces floating in my mind but I need the binding. I need the spine. The big thing to tie everything together. And I am not getting it.....maybe I am racking my brain too much....maybe it will just come to me. I need it to come to me soon before I start to lose interests and ill let these pieces go away. Ha! Its almost as if I know that I would do that, hence buying a notebook and writing it all down before it goes away.....you are not escaping from me you little vignettes.

Besides that, everything is fine, 2010 started off awkardly but is going fine. Im starting to miss my hair though :)